A Spirit of Fear

Can I share something really personal here? Normally I'm confident. I beam with joy of being a success story of a life radically changed by God. My spirit is filled with the vision God gave me and I revel in His goodness and His purposes for my family. ;-) Lately however, I've noticed I've become a little less bold, more timid, depressed even. I'd been having moments where I think about the HUGE responsibility of raising all these precious little ones to walk in righteousness and truth and to be godly nation shaking world changers, and the task seems daunting. I wonder what the heck God was THINKING when He gave these children to ME (of all people) to raise. Sometimes, I remember what I come from and I feel the anxiety spread through me. My parents were drug addict criminals. My husband and I are the only normal stable married couple in our family. All of my life I've had to seek out mentors, not family members if I wanted to learn the healthy way of relating to others or handling life's challenges. I am a 2nd generation foster kid, I come from a LONG line of lawless, depraved, godless individuals who often shirk the responsibility of raising their own children. Occasionally I get sort of panicky and plagued by fears wondering if maybe, just maybe I'm toiling in vain. Can anything good come out of our family tree, I wonder? Sometimes I see family members homeless on the streets from bad decisions and I am flooded with grief, fear, discouragement and shame. I have family members who would love to see me and my children fail because that would somehow affirm to them, that I shouldn't have bothered to forge a new path to begin with. I remind them that "As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord" so we raise our children differently. I have to actively quote God's word that says "God has not given me a "spirit" of fear but of LOVE, POWER and a sound mind.(2 Timothy 1:7) I reason that if He could ransom, rescue and redeem ME (raised by addicts and foster care and those in bondage to sin) than He can do quite well with my children who are well loved and come from a good home. I'm reminded not to give even the tiniest of footholds to the enemy who would love to see my hard work undone and for me to view myself lower than dirt, paralyzed by fear. I begin to feel worthless and embarrassed of my upbringing. Then the Lord tells me "BEHOLD I am doing a NEW thing! Now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert."( Isaiah 43:19) He reminds me that "we are more than conquerors through him that loved us."(Romans 8:37)The NLT states it as "No, despite ALL these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us." Isn't that encouraging. Maybe you don't come from as extreme of an upbringing as I do, but no matter what your situation, there is never a reason to trudge along life's journey, with a defeated spirit. Victory is ours through Christ. His Word exhorts me to "Abide in Him and I will bear much fruit."(John 15:1:8) Also to "Take every thought captive" ( 2 Cor 10:5" ) so that He can "quench ALL the fiery darts of the wicked." ( Ephesians 6:16) In my deepest pits of discouragement He declares that "He has REDEEMED me, He has called me by name and I am HIS." (Isaiah 43:1) When I feel hopeless, inadequate and like a failure, and that is often as of late, He REJOICES over me with singing! (Zeph 3:17) He whispers to me that Yea, I have loved thee with an everlasting love: therefore with lovingkindness have I drawn thee to myself. (Jer 31:3) I am blessed and encouraged that whatever the future holds, I and my children are secure in His love, care and protection. Amen