Prayers from the broken hearted

Yesterday I was really suffering from "the orphan mentality" and washing the dishes preparing to leave. I told the Lord that sometimes it still really grieves me that I don't have family, that my children lack grandparents that care and are involved. I shared how I'm saddened that the family I do have finds me useless unless I'm useful to them, namely helping them financially which I can't / won't do as it would only enable substance abuse. I told Him how it hurt my heart when my son was sick no blood relative came to pray, support or help in any way. I remember thinking if he passed away they wouldn't have known unless they ran into us on the street and realized we were minus a child. It's painful that while we've been contacted for money or to be used as storage, or transportation my baby turns 1 soon, and they have never asked to see her, her name, gender, age or know the joy she brings to our family. I told Him also how it hurts constantly wondering if they are off the streets, safe, overdosed or seriously hurt, how I'm weary of praying for the breaking of strongholds of sin, addiction and dysfunction only to hear of them sinking further and deeper into chaos and depravity. I dried my hands off, grabbed my purse and walked outside to where my husband and children were waiting in the van when I saw them speaking to the very person who raised me (during the times I wasn't in fostercare or living with friends) that I was just praying about! They are doing worse than ever and the saddest was hearing how the children are doing. I will be making some calls today. I did get to pray with them that Our Heavenly Father would restore the years the locusts have eaten and make something good to come from this situation. Still I'm grieved. Still I pray. While they live there is always hope. Praying those I care about would choose life both the physical and eternal. 2 Peter 3:9 "The Lord is not slow about His promise, as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing for any to perish but for all to come to repentance."

" Though my father and mother forsake me, the LORD will receive me." Psalm 27:10 "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life." Proverbs 13:12 "But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation." Psalm 13:5 "And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love." 1 Corinthians 13:13

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May each be set free

http://m.theatlantic.com/national/archive/2012/12/new-yorks-red-light-district-in-photos/266491/#slide5 This article really hit close to home. It's heartbreaking. I have family members like these folks. I've prayed for YEARS that they'd turn things around, find Christ, find purpose. As the years fly by, I get less hopeful. It is incredibly painful to see them while driving down the street on my way to a homeschool classes or church. I'd like to move away from the constant reminder of what I come from. At times I feel like "the one who escaped" because I'm so different and never made these choices. I also feel guilt because I can't help them, even though I know they don't really want help or to get better. It's haunts me to think that one day I may get the devastating phone call that they've succumbed from the effects of their lifestyle. (If I'm even lucky enough to get a phone call, maybe it'll be in the paper or I maybe I won't ever know, I'll just stop hearing from them, stop seeing them around) Lord please rescue them from themselves, from the snare of the evil one, from the pit they've dug for themselves. Pray for people like these. Each one is more than a statistic. It's a real person made in the image of Christ, with a purpose. Some are so hurt and broken they choose not to walk in it. Each addict, each person trapped in the street lifestyle is someones mother or father, (how many children wait expectantly for their parents to come home to them, to choose them over the lifestyle. Milestones are missed and parental rights are terminated) Each addict was some hopeful parent's daughter or son, someone's sister or brother. May each be set free and restored in Jesus mighty name.

A Spirit of Fear

Can I share something really personal here? Normally I'm confident. I beam with joy of being a success story of a life radically changed by God. My spirit is filled with the vision God gave me and I revel in His goodness and His purposes for my family. ;-) Lately however, I've noticed I've become a little less bold, more timid, depressed even. I'd been having moments where I think about the HUGE responsibility of raising all these precious little ones to walk in righteousness and truth and to be godly nation shaking world changers, and the task seems daunting. I wonder what the heck God was THINKING when He gave these children to ME (of all people) to raise. Sometimes, I remember what I come from and I feel the anxiety spread through me. My parents were drug addict criminals. My husband and I are the only normal stable married couple in our family. All of my life I've had to seek out mentors, not family members if I wanted to learn the healthy way of relating to others or handling life's challenges. I am a 2nd generation foster kid, I come from a LONG line of lawless, depraved, godless individuals who often shirk the responsibility of raising their own children. Occasionally I get sort of panicky and plagued by fears wondering if maybe, just maybe I'm toiling in vain. Can anything good come out of our family tree, I wonder? Sometimes I see family members homeless on the streets from bad decisions and I am flooded with grief, fear, discouragement and shame. I have family members who would love to see me and my children fail because that would somehow affirm to them, that I shouldn't have bothered to forge a new path to begin with. I remind them that "As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord" so we raise our children differently. I have to actively quote God's word that says "God has not given me a "spirit" of fear but of LOVE, POWER and a sound mind.(2 Timothy 1:7) I reason that if He could ransom, rescue and redeem ME (raised by addicts and foster care and those in bondage to sin) than He can do quite well with my children who are well loved and come from a good home. I'm reminded not to give even the tiniest of footholds to the enemy who would love to see my hard work undone and for me to view myself lower than dirt, paralyzed by fear. I begin to feel worthless and embarrassed of my upbringing. Then the Lord tells me "BEHOLD I am doing a NEW thing! Now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert."( Isaiah 43:19) He reminds me that "we are more than conquerors through him that loved us."(Romans 8:37)The NLT states it as "No, despite ALL these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us." Isn't that encouraging. Maybe you don't come from as extreme of an upbringing as I do, but no matter what your situation, there is never a reason to trudge along life's journey, with a defeated spirit. Victory is ours through Christ. His Word exhorts me to "Abide in Him and I will bear much fruit."(John 15:1:8) Also to "Take every thought captive" ( 2 Cor 10:5" ) so that He can "quench ALL the fiery darts of the wicked." ( Ephesians 6:16) In my deepest pits of discouragement He declares that "He has REDEEMED me, He has called me by name and I am HIS." (Isaiah 43:1) When I feel hopeless, inadequate and like a failure, and that is often as of late, He REJOICES over me with singing! (Zeph 3:17) He whispers to me that Yea, I have loved thee with an everlasting love: therefore with lovingkindness have I drawn thee to myself. (Jer 31:3) I am blessed and encouraged that whatever the future holds, I and my children are secure in His love, care and protection. Amen