My Abortion/Why I am Prolife
When I was about 14 years old (1995), I had an abortion. I have always regretted this decision. It will always stay with me. Abortions snuff out human life and damage mothers as well. Yes you are a mother even if your child is ripped away from your womb. 14 was a crazy horrible time for me. My mother was on drugs, I was with an abusive guy that didn't really love me, and I felt trapped. I hated school anyway, but trying to get up and go to school when I was nauseous and vomiting to teachers that didn't like me in the first place was hard. My boyfriend didn't believe me so I saved the pregnancy test and showed him. He seemed very excited at first. (afterall he bragged how he put holes in the condoms) I was confused and hid the pregnancy for awhile, wasn't hard as my mom was doing her own thing. I just wanted time to figure out what to do. I didn't want the baby, I figured I was so messed up, I couldn't raise any child to be decent, especially with a guy that would beat up on me. It was like living my moms life all over again. My mom used to tell me "you better not get pregnant, I won't keep you or a kid if you do. I'll put you in one of those group homes. " I didn't want an abortion either. I saw a few movies where gals gave there babies up to loving homes and that seemed ok. I just needed more time, more information. I was told my baby was just a mass of cells. Deep down I knew better and did want an alternative like adoption.
My friend Jennifer came over after school. When I came in my mom mentioned that when Jennifer left, she needed to speak with me. When I went to my room I panicked.. I'll never know why, but my mother decided out of the blue to clean my room, do my laundry and when I came home from school, I came in to see the jeans with the pregnancy test gone! A very sick feeling in my stomach came over me. I wished Jennifer would not go home. My mom confronted me about it. I confessed that I was indeed pregnant. She mentioned that this wouldn't come between us and that we'd get through it.
It was decided that I'd get an abortion. Later on I mentioned adoption. That idea was quickly shot down by my mother, my boyfriend and his mother.(who didn't want "proof" of statutory rape, he was almost turning 18) They felt that I'd get to "attached " to the baby and refuse to give it up. The appointment was set at a planned parenthood. ( an evil organization) I walked up and saw one lone protester and hoped (prayed that is she came up and spoke to me I wouldn't do it) I hoped she'd come speak to my mother and I. She was far away. I remember two girls with their boyfriends who were very casual, not at all upset. This surprised me. They discovered that I had asthma and that my mom needed to drive home and get my inhaler before the surgery. During that time I tried to protest to my boyfriend that we could do this another way. He mentioned that I'd have my whole life ahead of me to have kids, and that we just needed to do this. This was upsetting as this baby was HIS idea. I was the one who insisted on using "protection." I remember thinking... "oh God, twins run in my family, what if am killing TWO babies! The twins I always wanted" I felt like had no choice. I could have run away until I was too far along for the abortion, but that frightened me. I was told that runways go to juvenile hall. I didn't want a criminal record. I wished I could some how freeze the growth of baby in my womb to a time when I was older and could either take care of this child or decide what to do. I can see how girls panic , hide their pregnancies, block it out of their mind and sort of forget their pregnancy.
Even though I mentioned to 2or 3 staff members that I did NOT want my abortion and that they were making me do this, they ignored me and gave me scrubs to put on and lead me down the hall. There was NEVER a discussions on other options. Why? because they wanted to make money. Because they probably didn't acknowledge that every child, yes even black children borne to teenage mothers out of wedlock, are wanted children. A child created by God for His purposes. A child that could bring new life and joy to a barren family's longing loving arms. They made me get on a table with stir ups. Told me to scoot way down. I'll never forget the doctor aned nurses in their scrubs looking at me in the white bare operating room. They gave me a IV and told me to count backward from 100. I think I only got to like 97.
I woke up feeling drugged and foggy. I was hysterical and crying and saying something about "they killed the baby, the baby's gone!" I remember something one of the staff members said "we got ourselves a crier here, a drama queen (or something to that affect)" then I fell asleep again. I remember waking up and them wheeling me into a room with other ladies on beds. Gee there must have been 6 or 8 gals there. They were all chatting like it was no big deal. One of them said "this is my fourth time" another lady who was older maybe like 30's said oh I had this procedure done about 4 or 7 times. I can't recall. I was like "What! how can you do this ? why? I will NEVER be back here again." To which they replied "sure that's what they all say!" I felt so worthless, violated and ashamed. I was angry at being in this situation and for being here. They made me get up and sit on the toilet. Something about getting clots out, or I'd get sick. I was bleeding heavily, there was SO much blood. I wondered if the clots of blood were pieces of the baby. I felt all the more guilty. They gave me pads and dismissed me and told me to wait a few weeks before having sex again. This bothered my boyfriend. I felt dizzy. My boyfriend held my hand as we left and made jokes to cheer me up. He seemed fine. My mom made me lunch and told me to take it easy. My boyfriend had so readily gotten over the ordeal that he was pressuring me for intercourse about an hour or two after the surgery. Why I stayed with him so long, I'll never know. I guess I always knew the only family I had would be the one I made. Maybe I figured at least I got to choose who would mistreat me.
About a month later, I was at school and coming back from lunch. I believe it was a man who handed me a paper about the development of babies and options to abortions with pictures and descriptions of abortion procedures. I read it and immediately felt sick to my stomach. the 11 week old baby was so developed already. When I saw how much my baby looked like a baby I became filled with such deep indescribable anguish and regret. The magazine provided many links to homes, shelters and hotlines for young women. Where was all of this a month ago?
I never thought the Lord would bless me with children as I had committed so great a sin. The Lord has been merciful and given me 4! I have been restored to fellowship with him. God's has blessed me greatly, but sometimes I wonder if I had one baby or twins that were aborted. What would my 11 year old look like. Would they have green eyes like their father, dimples like my kids now. Would he or she have had curly hair? I know that will see my child in heaven, but not a day goes by that I don't wish that I wouldn't have chosen the easy way out. In Jesus, Alida